 | Braving the storms of life, Squeaky writes... | |
My personal site of dailing ramblings for friends and strangers alike. On this sleepless morning (4.42am already!), I suddenly felt that a little musing would be appropriate...
So this week has been somewhat crazy, survived 2 out of 5 days at work in my killer 4-inch heels and I gotta say the pair from Nine West shop (but the brand is Enzo Angiolini) is worth every bit of the money I slapped down for it (on 60% discount at that!).
A pair of good heels CAN make one feel different. They don't hurt you, nor make you feel like you're about to fall over and break a limb.. and instead put you into a feeling of power and control and Vavavoom! I say!
So besides the superficial heelsl, this week has been a trying one. I doubt any horoscope would have predicted that no less than 3 people this week have taken turns to irk me to the point of almost no return. 1 of which has actually gone over the line by quite a margin. I shan't name names. It's just a little sad to feel that, from what I gathered, the root of all this was pretty much boiled down to 1) Pride/ego on her part 2) which in turn led to being full of excuses and 3) made me realise that I don't really know this friend afterall. I mean all the "My family's loaded" and "I was so successful.." just didn't seem to tally up after awhile.
Because it was not just this 1 case, but 2 others also materialised along the course of this week, I'm actually starting to wonder if it is me and not them that had issues. Maybe it really is a case of me not being able to let go of my pet peeves, my deeply etched convictions on responsibilities and doing the best in whatever you do that makes me feel so in pain and caused all the struggles.
Yet I felt like this month has also been a time for reflection, where stocktake of where I am was done and keeping up and caring for all the friends that truly matter took priority as well. Maybe we don't need a million friends to feel good. All we need are those that truly matter, and even a small handful of them will be enough.
I found my faith waivered and then deepened over the last weekend and throughout the week as well, as I am tested, I prayed harder and searched more for God. That's the way it should be isn't it?
While the road will be long and winding, may the end destination be all the more sweeter at the end of it all.
At least this week saw a good thing: No hiccups in love. For once, I am learning to separate my problems from work and with friends from my relationship with Long. For once he didn't have to bear the brunt of listening to me whine non-stop or worse, getting a blast of my temper on others' behalf. For that I am grateful.
The one thing I never should forget is "The Best is Yet To Be".
I'm sure all ACSians will remember this motto, and even if I was only for but 3 months, I never forgot some of the fondest memories that I have of the school, that emulated the very spirit of what it meant to live life to the fullest, and know that we can always surpass our current state.
Came back from a 2 day course called "Grow Your Ideas". Can tell from the name of it that it is a course on creativity. Played games from our childhood that we've long forgotten during the class, composed a song... laughed out guts out and trust me, felt the brain aching because we've worked those bits that have been lying dormant for the last 20 years.
Made me remember that I used to want to draw... used to scribble "lyrics" of songs that were pounding in my mind from nothingness... used to carry my camera around and snap at all and sundry...
What Happened since then?
Make me realise that till today the best really truly is yet to be. I feel ashamed, that because of the procrastinator in me, many things that I've once thought of doing were shelved, thrown aside or forgotten.
So today we started on the new scrapbooking project. Only doing 1 page, many more to go I hope. It looks pretty shitty if you ask me.... but surely it will improve as we go along?
Yesterday, we learnt to pray in RCIA.
The takeaway from the lesson:
Pray for the gift of faith.
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief"
Father Gregory gave us the gift of the Prayer of Contrition. (Psalms 51)
Today I saw the power of my prayers when I appeared at work extremely tired, but had a great day throughout. The body was tired, but the spirit was strong. Also made it to evening Mass without too much of a hitch.
Today, we celebrated Ascension.
The takeaway from today's Mass:
Gaze not at the sky in search of the the Lord. Look around you, help those around you, for the prayer is strengthened with our works.
I can only say, I have felt peace today deep within me. A long time ago, this simple thing, peace, evaded me. In a nutshell, it warms the heart and heals the tiredness. The mind (the Holy Spirit?) conquers over the body. And it clears the thoughts within me, so I might have the heart to plow ahead to do work where it matters, and not just get absorbed in the routine tasks which might cause me to miss the whole point why I'm doing the work I do today.
Does it mean my problem has vanished?
No. It would be a miracle if the following occurred:
1) Long says "Ok, I'm open to exploring God"
2) Mum & Dad says "It's ok daughter, we understand. Pursue the religion that you wish to"
3) I wake up to find that I do not possess a fiery temper anymore
Still, life is a struggle to be a better person... without the struggle, then the conversion would not be complete... and the gift of love would never be truly appreciated.
May the peace remain with me and be with all my friends & loved ones as well.
| Category: | Movies | | Genre: | Kids & Family |
Yesterday evening, we finally got round to catching Marley & Me (starring Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson) at Shaw.
Let's put it this way, if the show wasn't any good, there wouldn't have been audible snifffing and sobbing in the cinema somewhere 3/4 of the way.
Nostalgic, dog-loving me was also swollen eyed at the end of the movie.
Not a fan of Owen Wilson, I rarely give him the thumbs up. There were bits of this show where he seemed to really immerse himself into it, and I have to say, he did a pretty good job :)
The dog that acted as Marley, thumbs up. Great lovely Lab, playing the goofy bits and dragging Jennifer Aniston along. *LOL* Loved the scene where he went headlong into the swimming pool.
The scene that moved me the most, was Owen Wilson and Marley sitting in the fields. That scene, without words, moved me a lot... like they said, surely it was worth a thousand words.
It is so sad that the reality is that Man will always outlive their best friend. I wish I could say I was half as devoted to my dog and my family was half as forgiving as John Grogan and family. Kudos to them.
Why the movie fell short of 1 star from me? I wish they'd thrown in more details from the book, especially that bit where Marley was actually part of a movie.
Ah well.. 2 hours is never enough, when it comes to the only book that has managed to move me to tears. This movie did the same trick too. Today, was my first time attending Xmas Mass, and boy did I have to put in a lot of determination just to make it to the church. It's such a nice feeling actually to know that this year's Christmas is especially different. I feel different and at peace with myself. For once, Christmas meant something to me. I'm surprised at myself, over the tears that appeared while I was giving thanks for the blessing given to me by the priest. I think it all just felt like I've made a really long journey to finally be there tonight... not just the 1 month of advent prepping and reflections, but that after so long, I can finally say "I think I've found my footing". Also grateful that Nic is finally getting some reprieve from his depressed feeling as well  Reflecting on the past year, with only a few more days left to go, 2008 has been eventful. I'm also happy that I've got all these gifts from everyone. I feel blessed One of the ironic things of being alive is that when you are so tired, you can't fall asleep. Hence you sit wide awake at your laptop, wondering what's going on, and naturally, does a stock take of your life at that moment. 94 weeks and counting, every moment is a moment to be happy about, because each moment is placing a brick to the relationship which will one day turn into a sturdy fortress. So to mark our 94th week, we went to catch Bolt on 3D. Love the way the characters seem to pop out of the screen (that's the whole point of 3D innit?). The plot is simple coz it's a cartoon afterall, but it's still a really nice show to watch. I would rate is as a "must watch" for animal lovers  I can't believe how stuck I am working on the current flavor of the month at work. Every corner I'm jammed stuck writing the content for the booklet. It irks me. I'm still waiting for inspiration to hit me with a mighty WHAM! and I hope it comes soon. As usual, the deadlines are back to back and I can't afford to slip up.  Definitely, the festive mood is affecting my productivity at work. Just realised that another classmate got married. Now is the time to chant to myself "I'm not in a hurry x100 Shagness is sinking in. Great. Time to hit the sack. One of the most intriguing movies I’ve watched in a long time - The Shawshank Redemption (1994) (DVD kindly lent to me by Nic) I think the reality in life, as we have all discovered sometime or other, is that life is never fair. Some times, we pay for our mistakes, sometimes we pay for others’ mistakes. Sometimes we look up at the sky and ask “why?” and no answer might we get.
The movie cast a light on the indignity that prisoners put up with physically, but more so, the whole mental and emotional scarring that one goes through when locked up for years. Maybe it’s not much different from the Azkaban Prison in Harry Potter. One gets sucked dry of feelings, dignity, emotions, independence and what’s left is just an empty shell where once a person stood.
I think this line from the movie succinctly put it:
These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
The show however does reflect the determination of men who are willing to do all they can, just to regain their freedom and retain their sanity.
Perhaps one of the biggest lessons from this movie would be the idea of Hope
Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
Hope – Perhaps the only sustenance for all men to keep going Hope – A priceless gift from God Some food for thought for myself this 1st Sunday of Advent.
Today, I think I finally saw some light when Nic explained in response to a question I was asking, coz I read in a passage in the Bible which said something about how God is not the creator of the bad things that happen to us and the evil things that goes on around us... how does that work?
Nic's response : The biggest gift that God gave to us is Free Will.
So that casts some light on things.
God created us, but gave us free will, so we make our own choices, good and bad ones, sound and silly ones.
Yet if we chooses wrongly and repents, He forgives us readily... unconditionally.
So much to catch up, I wonder if a lifetime is enough to learn about His mysterious ways
Ah yes... The love of my life is denser than mecury... So I placed a hint on FB to see if he would reply. Guess what I got? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My FB Post: Joyclene is dreaming of Ben & Jerry's Icecream and wonders if her boyfriend will get her some... Friend A: be your own woman... buy it YOURSELF! (I sense the bitterness of bygone years when we were championing Feminism for FYP)Friend B: so agree with your friend. and to add, get them with me! (hokay... I get the drift)Friend C:BOO joyclene BOO!!!! (ouch, this hurts)Bro 1: ya. go buy yourself. shun bian get one for me~ ^^ (So much for being my Brudder!)Ah well so the lamenting goes... The love of my life has always been Mr No Frills. He prefers to treat me to a good holiday, and show me his affection in practical & predictable ways. (e.g. paying for my prata and teh-O) I'm always thankful for those really. No offence baby, I really love those.... and it's great to know that at the end of the day, you'll always be there come rain or shine, never raising your voice at me, never asking me for ridiculous frivilous things called "surprises" and "fresh change" Just that there are times when a lady needs surprises, and when the guy is hopeless in that department, the lady would have to make it damn bloody obvious, so all will be happy at the end of the day, so she gets prata AND teh-O AND said surprise. So to all of you who told me to get it myself: Remember, ice-cream or no ice-cream, that's not the whole darn point after all.
P.S. I still love you gals no matter what. But please don't break the heart of the woman who is occasionally tired of wearing the pants in the relationship. It's 1 of those shitty nights when you know you've had a long day and yet, the body refused to shut down to sleep.
Perhaps God is giving me some lucid moments before bedtime to sort out my own confused mind. Maybe that's what I really need at this moment in time.
I think yesterday's conversation with Brian unsettled me a whole lot, that today I had to desperately seek suture in 1) work, 2) shopping and 3)shopping for a toy camera online.
(only the latter eased things for me slightly)
So I'm getting this new toy called the Golden Half for S$80
 I'm kinda excited about it, and as always, i'm so excited, I feel like buying up all the different toy & lomo cameras on the market (that's me uh huh...) but need to practise restrain, because in newspaper says we're gonna go into economic recession soon, so I guess should save up my money.
So back to why i'm unsettled...
There is 1 topic that never fails to throw me off my comfort zone :WEDDING
Actually it's not just the act in itself, it's what lies ahead AFTER a wedding is over. It's all fine to go headlong into the wedding planning... go through with the whole "please your parents" act, and ignore what's the whole purpose of a wedding. A wedding is the beginning of a life-changing act. After that ceremony (which I can't tell you how much I would detest having to do it not my way), you'll find yourself suddenly having a permanent partner, no more sleeping in your own bed.. no more leading your own life, and no more "I changed my mind".
It's 1 of the scariest thoughts on earth if you ask me... and being a worry wart, what can I do, but play out all possibilities in my mind, and veering to the vision of a loveless marriage full of nagging and 2 strangers in a house always angry at each other?
I am also irked by the innocent "when are you getting married" questions that keeps coming in my direction, even if they didn't mean it, they have actually prodded at a sore spot that hasn't quite healed yet.
This is really getting under my skin quite a lot, and I'm actually glad we're deciding to revisit Bali. Perhaps I can get some affirmation there that he is Mister Right.. or rather, that I'm really Miss Right.
Not so long ago, there was a commitment phobe, who didn't even want to commit to anything longer than a year. Now, this phobe is struggling to adjust to lifelong commitments. It's all repressed memories I believe, that has suddenly flooded out into the open. Long doesn't know yet... and I hope if he reads this, that he doesn't take it personally.
As a cheesy liner goes "It's not you, it's me"
This time, I'm lacking courage... And he hasn't even popped the question yet!
I need to sleep, sleep please don't evade me any further...
I have to trust that He will guide the way.
Burning joss sticks 'as deadly as traffic fumes or cigarette smoke' According to a recent research done in Thailand, it seems that 1 jossstick=1 cigarette. so therefore I estimate that I've been smoking about almost 1/2 a pack of malboros daily. -_-!! here're some extracts from the news article: Burning joss sticks lit as an offering in shrines and temples fill the air with cancer-causing toxins that are every bit as deadly as traffic fumes and cigarette smoke, says Dr Manoon Leechawengwong. Dr Manoon, who has just completed a two-year study of temple workers tasked with clearing the smouldering sticks, found the cocktail of chemicals in the smoke put them at risk of leukaemia, lung, blood and bladder cancers. "One joss stick creates the same amount of cancer-causing chemicals at one cigarette," said Dr Manoon, who led the research. "I knew there would be some carcinogens, but I was surprised by the levels." After buying 2 CDs from Lesley's Booth at Zouk Flea Y'day, (along with a couple of tops that were too good a deal to miss from the other stalls) I couldn't to check them out.
And Priscillia (the little sister) helped me put this disc from Citizens of Ice-Cream into the car stereo system and we listened.
Sial larh! the music abit too post-modern for me... And then into the 2nd track Priscillia was like
CAN WE SWITCH THAT OFF NOW?!?!" -_-!!
The I Am David Sparkle disc, have to open the packaging 2x and find that its stitched up so you have to unstitch the cardboard to get to the disc. very innovative if you ask me.. and I have to use a toothpick carefully... and so I'm listening to it now. And I think I need some higher divine intervention of something (drugs?!) to figure out what's going on.
From a post-modern idiot, I think This Is The New by I Am David Sparkle is actually bearable to listen to, some tracks are actually very nice and a might be better if they had some sort of vocals, compared to The End by Citizens of Ice Cream, which in Priscillia's words is like "What WAS that?!?!"
Maybe I can pass the discs to Nat, it's kinda wasted on me. Bring back the classic rock!
(and to think that I thought the new Death Cab for Cutie album, I Will Possess Your Heart was a little too post mod for me!)
1st off, Happy Birthday to me. It's now year no. 27.
Every year at this time, I get a little over-sentimental and retrospective as well.
So this week was really busy and I realised that each year, we will only make time for all the people around us, on special occasions like birthdays (you'd turn up coz you wanna get that present), weddings (we wonder why we turn up sometimes... ) and funerals (sadly...)
So this week was really hectic for me, because 1) it was paul's exhibition, after that usually we go for drinks, 2) it's ben's advance farewell partying @dragonfly and 3) my birthday
And so I reflect...
Why do we wait for such special occasions? Shouldn't we make each day meaningful, and maybe set some more meaningful goals like meeting a different old friend each month, and make a new friend each month, instead of setting goals like "get new sports rims for my car" (ok, i'm guilty as charged)
Wouldn't it be nice to just have coffee with someone who mean something to you?
"No time" and "I'm so busy!" are just excuses really. Have a coffee session, if you don't have time for a 9-course dinner. I am glad that today I turned up for my birthday dinner, because, they are my old friends, and I won't repeat the same mistake of making them my "spare tyre" and "backup plans" again.
Some people they come and go, but over the years, we already know who'd be stil there when we're down and out. Kudos to old friends! Let's have coffee today!
So today, Long and I went shopping for present. So democratic he is... I get to choose, and he gets to pay. LOL, that's my kind of democracy  So here's what I got after choosing very very long at Swatch Raffles City. (btw, the service there is super excellent!)  My Swatch Irony diaohane (swiss made) Can't wait to take a pic with my new watch!!Really like it a lot, it's like the more I look at it, the nicer it is. Hahaha, self-fulfilling prophecy huh? I guess it's really been a long time since I've gotten a proper non-pasar malam watch, so really appreciate it After all, I also contributed my $50 capital land voucher , courtesy from workplace welfare! So now I'm just missing a good wallet. On another note, I'm also trying to keep cheerful although I'm turning a year older, and seems like I'm about to have sore throat Now I pray for b-day luck and get that $8million toto grand prize *droolz* Prelude
Every time friends or ex-classmates chat with me, the inevitable, “Where’re you working now?” questions would pop up. After my response would normally come the predictable “No way!” or “You’re kidding me!” and then of course comes the inquiry of the decade - “WHY?!”
They act like it's some cardinal sin, and that I'm oh-so-lofty trying to save the world....
Maybe I’ll try to cast some light on my complex mind….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Guilt
My 1 year at work has seen me find my footing and left me a lot happier. It’s given me a chance to do what I believe in, and to fulfill something other than the nonsensical meaningless chase for material wants that has subsumed one too many person. (Although I still indulge myself at times)
A couple of years ago, while obliviously drifting through life, mostly partying and drinking with friends, someone from my younger days cropped back into my sphere of knowledge and through my sister, I learnt that she, we shall call her Bubbly, was ill, and her sister, we shall call her CL, my former classmate, is also not well – she’s permanently spaced out because of an incident of OD on drugs, just shortly after we had moved on to secondary school life.
Bubbly has since passed away. I never got to see her 1 last time (it would have been awkward to reappear in someone’s life after more than 10 years), There’s this 1 memory that just sticks in my head – visiting the then popular Haunted House with her and Joanne at the school funfair, which then led to a terrified Bubbly biting my arm. *ouch*
I remember her with fondness albeit vagueness. She was my sister’s friend, so she was like another little sister.
Sobering as it is, I wondered many times, what would have been, if I had decided on the nearby neighbourhood schools, instead of (somehow accidentally) landing in the SAP school. Would things have turned out differently for me? Knowing myself, yeah probably… because of that rebellious streak in me, coupled with the foolhardiness of youth. Things could have gone awfully wrong.
So I count myself lucky, that destiny had dished me a kinder route.
It also worries me each day, after more than 10 years, that I am unable to locate Geraldine. The last I had was a letter from her that was depressing and hinted suicidal tendencies. Not knowing how to reply or what to do, I had chosen not to do anything. That is a big question mark to me till today. Again, I blamed it on the environment after we had left the safe enclave of our primary school days. From the infrequent letters I received from her (during that time, there was no MSN or emails, just plain old snail mails.), it seemed like she had struggled with many problems, BGR, grades slipping etc.
It’s hard to explain, but the very garang me during secondary school days spent it in a blur of books, music and good friends who shared the same dedication to the school band, even while in a class of what some people had labeled as junk, delinquent tendencies seemed to have avoided me.
I believe that deep down somewhere, whenever I was lost or wavered in my convictions in my pursuit of happiness, I was anchored by 2 fundamental things – Family and the teachings from my earlier days. Whenever I had a problem, I could turn to my sisters. Whenever I couldn’t make peace with myself, I would stumble upon the House of God.
I am not outwardly religious; because my respect for my family does not allow me to be so. I don’t go to Mass or pray before my meals, because I believe religion runs deeper inside. It is not a practice but a belief in the greater being. It also influences the decisions one makes. For me it affected my decision to chase the material vs. the desire to want to make a difference. I had finally chosen the latter, even if some people doubt if what I do would make a difference.
I had chosen it with a clear mind that if I could have indirectly stopped even 1 person from going on the downward spiral like CL had, then that is the difference that I have made.
It is a guilt that is hard to explain that drives me to want to do what I do now, and give my best shot at it. It is a feeling of guilt that I had managed to stay on the road heading towards my future, while my 2 friends (maybe there are more that I am unaware of) have fallen along the sides.
Till today, I can still hear their voices and their laughter. Friends from that early in life is usually the hardest to leave go and forget. I regret not replying that letter to Geraldine at age 16. If only she knew, I would have given everything to set things right for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Epilogue
I must caution against blaming the environment or being elitist. There are some neighbourhood schools that have done well with their students. All my other siblings have emerged from neighbourhood schools, and nothing has gone wrong.
So what gives? Maybe the difference is whether one has found an anchor in life, a magnet that pulls the person away from the going down the road of self-destruction. Maybe the simplest way is not engaging in BGR too early in life. Breakups and broken hearts are often the hardest to tackle, especially at that young age and dealing with insecurities. Or maybe, it’s just dependent on one’s character. Do you or do you not have the will and the guts to live life the way you want, regardless of what your peers say or do to influence you.
Some days, I wished that on this road, there was a U-turn, so we could go back there and set things right. How different things would have been, if maybe we could have skipped the whole teenage years of our lives.
Seeing Bubbly’s Friendster account with all the notes posted in memory of her, there’s this void still and I can’t help wondering why God took the good girl away from her parents.
So if you’re my friend, please respect what I do, even if it will only be a short stint, even if I didn’t execute things perfectly. If I have failed, I have failed trying. This was written prior to the posting date, on a slow day, while pondering about why I sometimes feel reluctant to tell people about my job.
The Theory
So the news said 2x more people visited the PC Show over the weekend.
I'll tell you why...
1) Me who have missed the last 2 or 3 tech shows (no shit!) turned up too!2) My sister and BIL went there 3 times (no way!)3) EVEN my mother also went for the show (this 1 takes the cake ya? )So I guess that added to the crazy human (and car) traffic down at suntec city last weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Spoils
There's this known thing that sooner or later, this iBook is gonna give way,
and it already has given me a heart attack once a couple of months ago.
So there I went to scout for the latest, cheapest, coolest laptop I can get...
And I bought an Acer (ok, I can hear the "YOU KIDDING ME?!" ringing out loud)
So then I realised yesterday, it's not so bad, but it ain so easy either.
I'm soooooo used to this iBook, that I'm soooooooo not used to finding the "close" button of the browser on the right hand side, ie. when I'm playing my games, even though I use a PC at work.
I'm also not used to not having all the saved bookmarks on the laptop.
And now... i dunno... it's a 3-figure toy... i better play with it soon....
For now, I'm reluctant to let my maccie go.
Nostalgia and resistance to change.
That's so me innit?
I've finally gotten down to setting up my FleaBlog. Here's where you'll find 2nd-hand knick-knack, mostly pre-owned by yours truly... You'll also find the occasional still for toiletries, clothes and other Brand-new unused items (mostly gifts or bought overseas) In any case, please support! I've started off with 4 pairs of shoes, will add on as I find time to do so If you have something to Flea off, I can help post too  Blog found at http://fleabagz.blogspot.com/ I've finally gotten down to setting up my FleaBlog. Here's where you'll find 2nd-hand knick-knack, mostly pre-owned by yours truly... You'll also find the occasional steal for toiletries, clothes and other Brand-new unused items (mostly gifts or bought overseas) In any case, please support! I've started off with 4 pairs of shoes, will add on as I find time to do so If you have something to Flea off, I can help post too Blog found at http://fleabagz.blogspot.com/  | Joyc's Guestbook | |
 | Oh, I'm kinda slow to react, I'm glad someone liked my writings. Mostly it's uninspiring. Unless something fires me up. Thanks for the compliment! =D |
 | heyy there . i used ur little poem . it's nice . i love it . thanks a lot yeah ! :]] |
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